As a sex therapist, I often hear stories that sit at the crossroads of confusion, vulnerability, and good intentions. Recently, a client came into my office carrying exactly that kind of story.
He sat down, clearly uncomfortable, and said:
“I need to ask you something, and I feel kind of ridiculous even bringing it up.”
I invited him to share, and what followed was something I think many people can learn from.
“I was hooking up with my ex. We were trying a position she hadn’t done before, doggy style and after a minute or so, she told me to stop. She said it felt too deep. So I stopped right away. But later, she told me I should’ve kept going that no isn’t always no. And now I’m totally confused. Did I do something wrong?”
Let me say this clearly, not just to him but to anyone reading this: No, you did not do anything wrong. You did the right thing.
What Happens When Consent During Sex Gets Confusing?
In any sexual encounter, consent must be enthusiastic, informed, and ongoing. It’s not a one-time checkbox. It’s something that must be present from start to finish and it’s allowed to change at any moment.
When someone says “stop,” that is a withdrawal of consent. It doesn’t matter why they’re saying it whether it’s physical discomfort, emotional overwhelm, or just a shift in how they’re feeling in the moment. The reason doesn’t need to be justified or explained.
The only appropriate response is to stop.
My client did that respectfully and immediately. That isn’t just acceptable; it’s exactly what we expect in any healthy, respectful sexual relationship.
What About When Someone Changes Their Mind Later?
Sometimes, people feel regret or ambivalence after sex. Maybe they wanted to like the experience, or they feel like they missed an opportunity to push their own boundaries. These feelings are real and valid but they don’t make the other person wrong for respecting their request in the moment.
Your partner saying “I wish you had kept going” after the fact does not mean you should have overridden their “no” in real time.
It means there’s a conversation to be had, if the relationship is ongoing. It might be a chance to talk about exploring new dynamics, communicating more openly, or even experimenting with pre-negotiated boundaries (like safe words or kink play). But without those clear conversations beforehand, “no” always means no.
Let’s Be Very Clear: “No Isn’t Always No” Is a Harmful Myth
Statements like “no doesn’t always mean no” are not just confusing, they’re dangerous. They undermine the essential foundation of sexual consent and can leave people second-guessing themselves in the future.
Consent should never be a guessing game. It’s not about reading between the lines or trying to interpret body language under pressure. It’s about clear communication, trust, and mutual respect.
If someone says stop, and you stop- you are doing sex right.
There’s no gray area when it comes to consent during sex. Respecting a “no” is not only the right thing, it’s the bare minimum of healthy sexual behavior.
To Anyone Who’s Been in This Situation
If you’ve ever stopped because your partner said “no” or “stop,” and then later been told you shouldn’t have — please know this:
You were right to stop.
You did not mess up.
You are not overthinking.
You are practicing responsible, ethical, emotionally intelligent sex.
And if your partner wants something different from you next time, they owe you clear, enthusiastic, and unambiguous communication before you’re in that moment again.
Final Thoughts
Sex is vulnerable. It’s layered. And sometimes, it comes with confusing emotions even when no one has done anything wrong.
But the foundation we always return to is this: Consent is not negotiable, and “stop” always means stop.
If we want to build sexual relationships rooted in safety, connection, and mutual pleasure, then respecting boundaries in the moment must be the norm not the exception.
Got a sex-ed question you’ve been too embarrassed to ask? As a sex therapist, I promise: no judgment, just real answers. Drop it anonymously and let’s talk.
